02-11-2021 Entry 1

                   HEAL (verb) : (of a person or treatment) cause (to cause wound, injury or person) to become sound or healthy again

      Log on to any social media platform and look around. You will notice things like positive affirmations, people exercising, getting your power back, loving yourself, meditation, prayer and talk about energy. These are all ways that people use to try and heal from whatever the "thing" is that caused them trauma. 

     Recently, some of my trauma came blasting out from that place that I tend to shove it. You know that place, that deep one that no one is allowed in, the one you try to keep a secret from the world. In this one incident, so many emotions that I had never healed from came flooding back like a tidal wave reaching the shores of a quiet beach. Talking about healing with Louis and thinking about the things I have successfully healed from allows me to know that I can heal from this too.

    What things have I healed from? I healed from the pain of my parent's divorce when I was 5 and how it changed the trajectory of the relationship my dad and I have to this very day. I healed from being forced to grow up too quickly and basically raising myself. I healed from decisions that meant my children weren't raised primarily by me in this life. I healed from the guilt associated with that very topic. I healed from the worst heartbreak I ever imagined in my life. I healed from being the co-dependent to an addict. I healed from the hurt and awkwardness of never really feeling like I fit into my own family. I feel like I have healed in every area of my life with the exception of two. One of those is my mother and the other is her husband. 

    Do the two of these things go together? Yes and no. I will my mom as we go along but for her husband, that, that was the trauma, major trauma, that has been left unhealed. It is the kind of pain and trauma that you don't wish on your worst enemy. It carries with it dark secrets, it carries embarrassment, shame, feeling unloved, feeling unworthy, feeling confused. It leaves you attempting to rationalize something that is not normal or rational. This thing, this one thing, has so many different facets to it and yet, as you go through this healing journey, you realize that it isn't just you. There are so many others who feel the same emotions that you feel and it breaks your heart because you don't want it for yourself, let alone another person, young girls for me especially because that's where I can relate.

   See, the thing about this kind of trauma is that it brings about so many other things later in life that you don't even realize are connected to this one thing. It takes over your life. With God and the right support system, you can heal but you have to be willing to take the step to heal first. For a long time I was forced to bare this burden, I was forced to keep my mouth shut and deal with the heavy emotional toll it played in my mind, on my spirit and in my heart for the sakes of others. What I was told to do is a reality for others as well. Just keep your mouth shut to keep the peace and everyone and everything can go on like normal but you know who suffers when you do that? You, you are the one who suffers the most followed by anyone else that you allow to get close to you. They will pay for the sins of others through your rational and irrational defense mechanisms, your thought process, your patterns and your behavior. Healing is the only way to cope.

   In case you still haven't figure it out, I am 1 in 5 girls who has been a child victim of sexual abuse at the hands of someone close, so close in fact that until recently, I referred to this person as my dad because my logic was "he is who raised me" but the truth is, he is the one who broke me, who hurt me, who caused the trauma, who admitted it to my mother when I was 30 and who spent his last hours with me being the one taking care of him. In order for me to heal, I have to do the thing that has been on my mind for months, the way I cope best with most things, and that's this way; through words. 

   I have zero intention of giving any of these a title other than the date and entry number. I have no intention of posting a link anywhere. You won't find links or meta tags, in fact, you will rarely find pictures on these posts because my intention is to use them to get my feelings out. I am writing these like a normal blog post as if I had readers due to that making it easier for me to keep myself together. I have given myself permission to not keep it together if I start to feel overwhelmed with emotion, however, I have also given myself permission to walk away if I feel like I need a break. If you manage to stumble upon these posts in some way, I will include my email address and you can reach out to me that way. 

   So today was my introduction to what this is and why. Tomorrow we start taking this thing apart so that I can heal. You will find Bible verses because there is no way I am going to be able to heal myself and I must lead on God to get through this. By writing this I am taking a chance on losing many people from my life including my mother and my siblings but it is necessary. 

jonillively@gmail.com