02-13-2021 Entry 3

                 I am a music connoisseur. Music has been a part of every situation in my entire life. For me, music reaches way down deep and touches places that I don't let many people. One type of music I have an epiphany for is Hip Hop. When I first heard Walls Talking by Kevin Gates, I knew that was going to be one of those songs that I could never get tired of. See, while some of the things he says in his song I can't relate to, so much more I can. Below I am going to break down the lyrics and why they resonate with me.

Say, mike
Sometimes it's painful to relive the past
But sometimes you gotta relive the past in order to heal from it
(I just told richie we rich)
I'm him

This is what I am currently doing. I am talking about my past, confronting my past in an effort to heal from it. Healing is necessary for me as a person, it's necessary for the role God has for me.

I'm a prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
Prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
I'm a prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
I'm a prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)

When you are a survivor of any kind, you know you can get sucked into the walls of your own mind. You are trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. You try to decide how it will impact other people and many times, you will choose to keep it bottled up, which is a trauma response. Keeping it to yourself isn't healthy and it creates other unhealthy coping mechanisms that may be more difficult to see, much less admit. 

I was young when my mama had me -She was 16

Think I ran away from home 'bout the age of fifteen - I was 15 the first time I ran away from home. It would lead to me running my entire life.

Juvenile detention - I never went to juvenile detention. I came close and did plenty of things that should have landed me there. Staying out of juvenile is one of the things I thank God for. He kept me for sure. 

Talked about behind my back by my family members - to this very day, by the very people who smile in my face and yet talk about me the minute I'm not around

H-hurtful feeling bein' the black sheep every family visit - I am defiantly the black sheep on both sides of my family. I'll talk about that more as we go through this healing journey.

I'll admit it, bein' young, I made some bad decisions - plenty of bad decisions but when you have very few to no strong people who can be a mentor, an influence to you, you are fumbling through life just trying to survive which can lead you down some paths that weren't meant for you.

Heart too big, I guess my loyalty got used against me - This line right here hits almost harder than any of the lines in Kevin's lyrics. I once had a therapist tell me that I had one of the biggest, forgiving hearts she had ever seen because I moved in with and took care of the man who sexually abused me until he literally took his last breath. 

Learned to focus on myself, now I got tunnel vision - This is what I have been doing the past few years and even more so now.

Kicked in my ass when I was down and went through hell to get back - When you are down, you feel like you are constantly getting kicked. My story is one that I don't take lightly and I know God allowed me to go through the things I went through to bring glory and honor to Him through my testimony. I know the line has a curse word and I'm talking about God but He knows my intention here.

Been to the group homes, I've been on lockdown and I've been upstate -I shuffled from my mom's to my dad's over to my aunt's house and as an adult, I've stayed with so many different people, I can't even recall them all. Not that it directly relates to the terror that some group homes have been known to be. I have been to jail, not something I am proud of but if you've ever been even for a few hours, it humbles you, or it should, that is difficult to express to those who have never been on the other side of the bars. 

Lived in a few homes, holdin' the block down, movin' this weight -I never hustled. I've known a few hustlers in my time but I never held the block down or moved any weight but I have done some shady things to survive.

Never spoke on this, they say that I murdered my best friend
It was just business, it wasn't personal, you know how the world is - For me this one is metaphorical to some degree. My sexual abuse and the healing process, my story, things I've never really dug deep into. I didn't murder my best friend but being close to people is not something I do easily. I push away people who get too close because if I push you away, you can't hurt me. In my life, one person has recognized this and pushed back when I started pushing. He could see greater in me many times when I couldn't recognize greatness in myself. He is my best friend and one day will be my husband. 

I'm a prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
Prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
I'm a prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
I'm a prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
Get 'em, gates

I'm 'bout to clear my heart - Get it out of your mind, get it off your chest and heal!
Stand on the business and ain't ever fold - the secrets that I've carried for others, the secrets that burdened me because I didn't want anyone else to hurt; I have been holding that stuff in for 3 decades plus.

I got some uncles who killers (for real) 
Who baggin' someone who ain't play by the code (yeah)

I can't say that my uncles are killers but I know some killers of actual people, some dream killers, confidence killers, emotional killers. It's time to kill all of that because it's time to live free from the bondage.

My favorite rapper my cousin (yeah)
I looked up to him ever since we was kids (for real)
Hope that he know that I love him
Guess all good things must come to an end

When I think of my cousins, some people I was close to growing up and think about how much I loved them, saw them a certain way and most of the time they never even knew it and now, as an adult working on healing, it makes me see them different because of their actions or lack of action. I'll touch on this more deeply later on.

I know some industry niggas
And they never lived the way I lived
Sayin' I'm anti-social (what?)
I can't make you feel the way I feel (uh-huh)

When I talk about my childhood, the things I've been through in life some people will wonder if I'm not making them up. How can one person survive all those things? Well, I did. People talk about growing up in the hood or poor and they really weren't and can't relate. As part of my trauma response, I know plenty of people but I don't have very many people that I'm close to. No text messages, phone calls or birthday cards.

Head up high, got great ideas
'Cause I got blackballed and they scared of me

But God, but God, but God! See, God has some major moves He has set up for me. He has been working while I've been asleep preparing a way, equipping me with the tools I need to stay strong, to do His work, to help other little girls or even women who have been through some of the same things as me.

I'll die for you if I care for you
I'ma ride for you, never change up, love

There are very few people I can honestly say that without hesitation I would take a bullet for: Joe, Jonathan, Jillian, Alexis, Eliana, Noah, Penelope, Amelia and Louis. In my mind, I would like to believe I am the kind of person who would have the backs of others. I do a good job of cheering people on from the sidelines or through a quick message on social media. 

I'm a great friend, I'm just not friendly - if you can manage to get to the friend level from the acquaintance level, if you can deal with my pushing you away the way Louis has for all these years and stayed steadfast, then you know I am a great friend but I can be antisocial which makes me come across unfriendly. Thanks to social media, people I've known throughout my school years have discovered I am actually a kind, caring person but I was deep in my defense mechanisms that I came across cold and untouchable to so many. 

And I'ma die for you if I care for you
I'ma ride for you, never change up, love
And I'll admit it, bein' young, I made some bad decisions
Heart too big, that's when my loyalty got used against me

I'm a prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
Prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
I'm a prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)
I'm a prisoner in my own mind
I feel like these walls talkin' to me
I feel like these walls talkin' to me (in my own mind)

I've been reading this really great blog called Revive Our Hearts and they talk about sexual abuse and healing. I have been asking God to open the doors, show me the way because I can use all the secular tools in the world but only God can truly deliver me. I have work to do.