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04/27/2021

 Lord, I just want to thank you for another day to get it right Lord. I won't lie, getting out of bed was a challenge because everything in me said turn the alarm for 5:30 instead but I think, no, I know being in your word early is important and I need you and and this time so much right now. Isaiah 56:3 tells me that all have gone their own way and Christ died for all of us. I know I have done things my own way for such a long, long time and I know that I must follow you Lord. Forgive me for going astray and forgive me for being so selfish. Lord, sometimes I don't even like me and yet, you love me unconditionally. I realized when I closed out my prayer last night that I forgot to mention my grandchildren. I want so much to have a close relationship with them but I know that means not working all the time, being deliberate and Louis and the kids having a good relationship also helps. I know Jonathan and Genesis say they don't want Eliana around anyone and while I respect th...
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02-17-2021 entry 5

 I am supposed to be working on homework so I can get ahead 2 weeks. We are still in our hotel room but our neighbor went back home. Laying in the bed next to me is the love of my life, softly snoring. I look at him, sleeping so soundly, simply because he trusts me enough to rest so soundly. He completes me, he makes me better and I love him more than I have ever loved another person on this earth. He would do anything to protect me and I can never thank him enough. I find myself catering to him often and it doesn't even bother me. 
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 The weather has been crazy. We are currently in a hotel room about 20 minutes from home. Our power went out around 3am the night before last and after freezing for quite some time, Louis found us a hotel room to come to. We asked our neighbor to come with us and she did. It's slightly weird but God put it on Louis' hear to ask her. Today I spent time calling and texting people I don't normally talk to, those in my family, some of my old friends and it felt good but I realized that when I decided to publicly start talking about my sexual abuse that those relationships might go away and that part, it makes me sad regardless of how needed it might be.  Sometimes talking to my mom is good, like today and then other times it's like pure hell. Why do I do this to myself? 
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02-13-2021 Entry 3

                 I am a music connoisseur. Music has been a part of every situation in my entire life. For me, music reaches way down deep and touches places that I don't let many people. One type of music I have an epiphany for is Hip Hop. When I first heard Walls Talking  by Kevin Gates, I knew that was going to be one of those songs that I could never get tired of. See, while some of the things he says in his song I can't relate to, so much more I can. Below I am going to break down the lyrics and why they resonate with me. Say, mike Sometimes it's painful to relive the past But sometimes you gotta relive the past in order to heal from it (I just told richie we rich) I'm him This is what I am currently doing. I am talking about my past, confronting my past in an effort to heal from it. Healing is necessary for me as a person, it's necessary for the role God has for me. I'm a prisoner in my own mind I feel like these walls talkin' to m...
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02-11-2021 Entry 2

       Philippians 4:6 "Don't worry about anything but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to the God" (NIV)  Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Lord,  You know I do this best this way so here it goes. Lord, I just want to thank you. When I look at my life, all the things that you brought me through, all the things you kept me from, Lord, I am so thankful, so grateful for you and your intercedence in my life, even when I was the furthest away from you. Lord, I just thank you for this life Lord. I am trying to live it with a grateful heart, counting my blessings each day and my pursuit with an intimate relationship with you Lord. Father, I ask that you forgive me where I fall short because I fall short daily Lord. You know my heart. Lord, I ask that you help me with this forgiveness. I am so hurt Lord. I'm tired of feeling hurt....
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02-11-2021 Entry 1

                     HEAL  (verb) : (of a person or treatment) cause (to cause wound, injury or person) to become sound or healthy again       Log on to any social media platform and look around. You will notice things like positive affirmations, people exercising, getting your power back, loving yourself, meditation, prayer and talk about energy. These are all ways that people use to try and heal from whatever the " thing"  is that caused them trauma.       Recently, some of my trauma came blasting out from that place that I tend to shove it. You know that place, that deep one that no one is allowed in, the one you try to keep a secret from the world. In this one incident, so many emotions that I had never healed from came flooding back like a tidal wave reaching the shores of a quiet beach. Talking about healing with Louis and thinking about the things I have successfully healed from al...
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